My Own Glass Ceiling
A week or so ago, I read many of the Iron Brides’ blogs and was so humbled by what they shared. So personal. So raw. The girls were tasked with writing about their “glass ceilings” and vulnerabilities that they walk through life with. It was an eye opening experience for me. And, I must admit, I had a “feeewwww…it’s not just me” moment.
Since the girls were so gracious and open to digging deep into their souls and baring what many of us try to “hide,” I wanted to return the honesty with jotting down some of my own glass ceilings.
Whoa. This is tough to do. Before I continue, I want to acknowledge again how strong these girls are for opening up to the world. As I begin to write about my own stumbles down life’s path, my heart is beginning to beat a little faster and I swear one of my fingers just slipped off a key from my sweating.
Okay. Throughout much of my life, starting at around 18 or so, I have been consumed with worrying. Some days are better than others. Some days are not. My worries range from anything like “how do I get all this work done in one day?” to “what if I get sick?” and “what if I have a heart attack and just die right here and now?”.
It starts on most mornings after I’ve wiped the “sleepys” from eyes and ends around 10 PM that night. I control it though, or maybe I am just used to it. It has really never stopped me from doing anything. My favorite line to myself is, “do it scared, Jill.”. And, so I do. I do everything a bit scared.
When I open up to people about this glass ceiling of mine, they tell me that I never ‘LOOK’ nervous, that I am so put together, so sharp. That’s what I mean about me being able to control it. When I need to, I shut the worry off and get down to business. But, it’s there waiting for me; like a little bully tapping on my shoulder. Tap, tap, tap.
There are a few places, though, were I don’t feel nervous and I have to admit that one of them is when I am interviewing people. I just LOVE it. It is a time in my life where I am so completely focused on others’ lives and consumed with their own stories, that I completely forget mine. I love that. It is so freeing. I discovered this about myself when I was a reporter for several newspapers. And, when I was so lucky to be picked as host for Iron Brides, I was able to feel it all over again. It’s so freeing. It’s like magic for me. When I am able to interview someone and really get into their life, it is one of the most precious times I have. Magic.
Another place where I cherish my mind’s calmness is on the golf course. Hey, I hear you chuckling. No, it’s not because I fancy wearing plaid and knickers (but, secretly, I do love that part), it’s because when I am on the course it feels like a green heaven to me. The birds, the blue sky, the serenity. Ah, it’s wonderful. This past October, I actually went by myself to the course and played alone. Wow! The peacefulness, the beauty, the three pars! It is a day I will never forget, because I was in harmony with myself. Many times, when I feel that ‘worry bully’ sneaking in on me, I jolt my thoughts back to that day. I remember walking down the first hole and seeing my shadow following behind me. I recreate the feeling of that crisp air tickling me right below my ponytail. Heaven.
So, everyone, Iron Brides in particular, I would have to say that writing this is actually a big relief. It feels nice to not have this ‘worry thing’ harbored. And, I am so happy to be sharing it with you.
I am looking forward to our full week of taping, although traveling is something I worry about! It will be a time of tremendous challenge and growth for all us. And, I am so thankful to be sharing that time with all of you.
With appreciation,
Jill
